I love Wesleyan, and I know that once I’m back at school I’ll be as happy as a clam in a wildlife refuge, but for the moment I’m feeling about as happy as a clam soon to be served in a white wine sauce. I love vacation; I love being home, spending time with my family, and having glorious amounts of free time in which I can occupy myself as I wish, with no threat of homework on the horizon. As a part-time hermit and a reasonably lazy human being, I find that suits me very well.
But I will spare you, and myself, the melancholy! I plan to spend the drive up to Connecticut in a haze of self-pity and frustration at the inevitable traffic, and then I will once again surrender myself to the joys of Wes.
However, I figure I should cap off my summer blog posts with a recap of the stuff I did over the past three months — and to make it a little more interesting for you, darling reader, I’m going to be taking a (metaphorical) page out of the (metaphorical) book of Allie Brosh, the brilliant and talented creator of http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/. Go. Read her blog — just read mine first, because after you read her blog you’re going to be too busy laughing hysterically and rereading every single entry to come back and look at my far more modest offering.
The Stuff I’ve Talked About Already
If you’ve read my previous entries and have no problems with your short-term memory, you may recall that I had a job this summer, spent a lot of time bitching about the commute, and then jetted off to Peru to spend a wild and crazy week with Lovely Sister, during which we, like the wild and crazy young adults that we are, never went to bed after eleven.
So I’m not going to talk about that again, because that would be boring, right?
Stuff That Sort of Happened Around Me, Over Which I Had No Control
Earthquake! Earthquake earthquake earthquake!
It was a very exciting time, folks — all forty-five seconds of it. I spent most of it laughing hysterically in a doorway, but apparently there really was some property damage. We’re just not built for earthquakes in DC. Neither are we built for more than half an inch of snow. Weather and geological events in general are really not our forte.
And then there was Hurricane Irene, which was like several of this summer’s blockbuster movies in that I saw just enough to enjoy myself, without being completely inundated with the inevitable accompanying frustrations. (In the case of the blockbuster movies, those frustrations would be weak writing and ill-considered treatment of female or queer characters; in the case of the hurricane, they would be property damage, death, and loss of internet.)
Also, the world is definitely going to end in 2012. Seriously.
Other Stuff
I went to the beach! However, I have no illustration of this because I figured it would be odd to draw a bikini-clad stick figure of myself in photoshop, and anyway I didn’t have anything particularly funny to say about it.
My typical vacation activities:
Also watching TV, watching movies, etc. What? I’m getting in touch with pop culture in order to draw conclusions about modern media and its implications for our society. Also, productivity is over-rated and Doctor Who is the bomb.
Plus I babysat for about ten hours, in total. I don’t know why people think I’m responsible enough to take care of small children, honestly. Half the time it ends up with all of us on the ground throwing things at each other. (To my credit, though, I made sure that all of those things were made of nerf.)
However, for me, probably one of the most astonishing things I did this summer was excavate my room. Bear in mind, I don’t actually mean that I cleaned my room. I still have giant piles of stuff in the corners of my room, just waiting for the perfect time to topple over and spread all over my floor so that I can’t get out of bed in the morning without tripping and hitting my head on a shiny rock I picked up in 2002 and never got rid of. Cleaning my room, at this point, would not be possible without a shovel, a blowtorch, and someone with no sentimental attachment to any of the items involved.
No, when I said “excavate,” I meant it. Digging through the stuff in my room is akin to an archaeological expedition, going level by level through older and older artifacts. By the time I reached the bottom, I was looking at things I hadn’t touched since junior year of high school — and that was one of the better corners.
I left the other corners alone. Sometimes you don’t want to push your luck.
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| Nobody cleans while wearing intact shirts. Do they? |
THINGS THAT ARE MORE INTERESTING IF I PRETEND SHARKTOPI AND ALIENS WERE INVOLVED
What’s that, you ask? Did I get my hair cut? Well, yes, but only because a wild flying sharktopus chomped most of it off! And my nails? Yes, I know they’re very pretty — I met a very friendly alien, but the slime secreted by its skin reacted with the molecules in my fingernails, causing them to change color in radical ways!
My Continuing Summer Quest
Finally, of course, we come to the most important thing I did over the summer: practice.
Let’s get a few things straight. If I could have any superpower in the world, it would be teleportation. (Or possibly the ability to fly without anybody noticing and calling homeland security.) My second or third choice would be the ability to steal food off of other people’s plates without them realizing.
However, sometimes when you’re sitting on the couch and you’ve finally contorted yourself into a comfortable position, and then you realize that for whatever reason you actually have to stand up, suddenly something else seems far more important: telekinesis.
Or, to put it another way, being able to do whatever it is that you have to do without leaving the couch. Because sometimes standing up is just a little too much effort.
I haven’t been successful yet, but seriously, it’s just a matter of time. ONE DAY. IT’LL HAPPEN.
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