12MoF: The Curse, 3.0

Previously on 12 Months of Frozen:
Prologue
March: The One Where Elsa and Anna Send a Lot of Letters
April: The One Where Elsa is the Snowman NO WAIT HEAR ME OUT
May: The One Where The Snow Queen Isn't Elsa. Also, Lesbians.
June: I Go It Old School, Take Two
July: A Wild Kristoff Appears
August: The One Where Elsa is an Accidental Kidnapper
September: The One With the Curse
October: The Other One With the Curse

So it turns out I really like curses. WHATEVER. YOU DON'T OWN ME.

Credit where credit is due: like half of this idea is entirely because of my sister, who very kindly let me bounce ideas off her over the course of our entire four-hour bus ride back home and (FOR ONCE) (just kidding) (mostly) was very helpfully like "Yeah, you cooooould do that... or maybe instead you could do this other thing that actually makes sense." THANKS BABE YOU'RE THE BEST.

This month we get The Curse 3: Now With Actual Villains! This is very exciting for all of us, since I am generally reasonably miserable with villains. This is also very exciting because I get to talk about how much the patriarchy sucks; I know you're all obviously looking forward to that.

Will there be more curses in upcoming months? MAYBE. WHATEVER. YOU DON'T OWN ME.

kenneth libbrecht over at snowcrystals.com

Coincidentally, Elsa also starts off the movie like WHATEVER YOU DON'T OWN ME, except in her case it's mostly because her parents are hella invested in her getting married and Elsa is more interested in trying to come out to them. They're not really listening. This is definitely a song.

Imagine it, though: Elsa trying to get a word in edgewise, saying things like "You know, it's not that I'm against marriage, but —" and "There's something I need to tell you —" and "I don't really like princes that much," while her parents are just like "OH HEY WHAT ABOUT THIS DUDE won't it be great when you fall in love and get married? the prince of this other country is on his way, I hear he's really great, you'll probably like him a lot!", except of course everything is rhyming.

She ends it by getting progressively more frustrated and accidentally spitting icicles everywhere, which is why her "I don't want to marry a prince!" seems very, very loud in the sudden silence.

Which is when we get the backstory: blah blah blah, when Elsa was 13 or so, she got cursed by a mysterious "Snow Queen." Now her panic attacks or fits of anger come with surprise localized blizzards, and the hooded, indistinct Snow Queen warned them that if Elsa doesn't get her true love's kiss, her heart is gradually going to turn to ice! OH NO. HORROR. CALAMITY.

(They tried getting other magic-users to take the curse off, but hey, it turns out you can't really directly counter someone else's magic with your own.)

Elsa has finally worked up the courage to tell her family that maybe they're looking for her true love in the wrong place (even if she, personally, isn't as opposed to the curse as everyone else seems to be, but then again, sudden cold drafts don't exactly affect her, and spontaneous ice skating is pretty fun, and there's this amazing sense of power and control that she doesn't really get anywhere else), and they're still stuck on this same old story.

BUT it just so happens that today, the Most Handsome, Most Charming prince is coming to visit! Apparently he and Elsa knew each other when they were young, and everyone is pretty sure that this guy is going to be The One. Of course, they can't exactly test that just by going straight for the kiss — they may try to dress that up with some waffling about making sure that there's an appropriately romantic atmosphere, but mostly it's because Elsa nearly stabbed someone with an impromptu icicle the first time she was surprised into a kiss.

kenneth libbrecht over at snowcrystals.com

MHMC Prince — let's call him Hans — is indeed very handsome and charming! A sort-of meet-cute between him and Elsa gets manufactured. Elsa's young sis Anna is kind of charmed despite herself, even if Elsa is still definitively closed off to him.

Hans' parents have come with him, but they mostly chill in the background and gossip with Elsa's parents about how it seems like Hans and Elsa are really getting along, and maybe this will be True Love! They all feel pretty hopeful about it.

Hans doesn't seem... terrible, or at least he's not loud about it, he's not Gaston or anything, but he does very quietly have a slight tendency of ignoring the things that Elsa wants when they're not also the things that he wants. And there are so many expectations, and so many eyes on Elsa, and it's so close to the time that her heart is supposedly going to ice over, and everybody's spent so long believing that her heart is going to ice over that they don't listen when she says she doesn't like somebody, and —

They're all going to be disappointed. Elsa's spent so long upsetting people because of her curse, and she hates it. She wants her parents to be happy again, but she doesn't want to make herself unhappy, either, and nobody is listening to the things she's telling them.

(There's a song in here somewhere, probably.)

And honestly, she probably tells Anna at some point, if they were just spinning it as an arranged marriage, she might even do it. If it would be good for her country. She wants to be a really good queen, in the future. But there's all this insistence on True Love, except nobody seems to care about how she actually feels — about ladies, but also just about the magic. She hasn't always liked the powers, they haven't been entirely comfortable, but they're still hers.

She overhears her parents say at one point that they almost wish she'd been cursed with a sleeping spell; it would be easier to get her to let people kiss her.

kenneth libbrecht over at snowcrystals.com

It's Anna who suggests that maybe if Elsa is so sick of it, she should leave. Just for the night! The reverse Cinderella, as it were — go become someone who's not cursed, not the princess. It's not necessarily something Elsa might have thought up on her own, but Anna's always been the daring one, maybe because she's had less to lose; nobody was ever scrutinizing her to see if her heart was freezing, and she's always had to be louder just to get any attention over the curse. They might even have a little bit of a tiff — not a huge one, more like a difference of opinion, because Anna is kind of envious of all the attention getting paid to Elsa, all the suitors constantly trying to woo her, and so on, and Elsa really just wants everyone to leave her alone, or maybe stop talking at her and listen to her for once. Anna may spit out, "Then why don't you just leave?!" and grow increasingly less annoyed and more excited as the conversation progresses and they start to work out the logistics.

Elsa is just upset enough that she thinks it could actually be a good idea. She steals some distinctly non-princessy clothing and hies herself the hell out of the palace, where she promptly meets... a lady-type person. Screw it, let's call her Krista. Why not.

KRISTA is a THIEF. Okay, not really. (Only a little bit). Here are the things Krista is:

• a mountaineer!
• Who climbs mountains! 
• And has a cute animal friend, possibly like a horse or a goat or a reindeer or an antelope or a raccoon dog or a bear or something!
• And really believes in knitwear! 
• Krista, not the cute animal friend, although presumably they also feel semi-positively about it.
• And if you press her and don't seem too fussed by the legalities of it 
• or, in Elsa's case, see her wiggling out of a distinctly shady hidey-hole and then proceed to trip and stumble quite literally into her arms 
• she maaaaaay admit that during the course of her journeys across various mountains, she is occasionally prevailed upon to take things from place to place. 
• For a fee. 
• Without taxes. 
• Occasionally she takes things from from a place where they are illegal to a place where they are legal, and vice versa. 
• No big deal. 
• Just normal mountaineering stuff.

...So she's a smuggler, basically. But, she insists, in her defense, border taxes in [country Hans is from] are getting terrible! She's doing people a favor!

In the middle of this, it turns out that Elsa's "peasant" disguise is utterly useless. Elsa is the princess! She's been paraded around the capital city since she was a tiny child! Everyone is going to know what she looks like, and her posh accent isn't going to help much either. Krista maaaaay laugh a little bit. Or a lot.

And Elsa — who is frustrated, and miserable, and scared, and a little drunk on being out of the palace without parents or guards, and who for some reason wants this random girl to think she's cool (maybe because this random girl isn't actually scared of her ice powers) — challenges Krista to do it better. When Krista doesn't bite, Elsa throws some money into the deal. Krista's good at smuggling things, right? Maybe she could smuggle Elsa out of there until everyone gets this craziness out of their systems and is ready to listen to her. Maybe, if she needs to, she could even break the curse on her own and just get this nonsense over with.

"Fine," Krista says dubiously, "but we're going to have to go back to your room..."

kenneth libbrecht over at snowcrystals.com

Anna, meanwhile, is wandering around the castle when she overhears Hans's Parents singing their Villain Song.

THAT'S RIGHT, THEY'RE THE VILLAINS.

Hans's Parents Villain Motivations:

• Marry their son off to a nice wealthy princess with huge tracts of land
• Make sure he keeps thinking of himself as the storybook prince they've always known he is.

THAT'S RIGHT, HANS'S VILLAIN PARENTS ARE TOTALLY ENABLING HIS ENTITLED RICH DUDENESS.

Hans's dad is slightly shittier than Hans's mom, but they're both pretty stone cold. Not helicopter parents or perpetually fretting or infantilizing him! They just think their son deserves the best, and deserves to feel like he's the best, and they don't really care what other people want as long as he gets what he wants and potentially go down in history. To that end, they have a plan to make sure that Hans' kiss un-curses Elsa — no matter whether he's her True Love or not.

Anna, obviously, is horrified, and runs to tell Elsa, since presumably Elsa will be back by now, BUT. HORROR AND CALAMITY. ELSA IS GONE! HER ROOM HAS BEEN RANSACKED!!! THERE IS SNOW EVERYWHERE AND A CROWN CRUDELY DRAWN OUT OF FROST ON THE WINDOW!!! HOW WILL ANNA WARN HER NOW???

Obviously, the Snow Queen took her. Cue uproar. Evil Parents are, perhaps unsurprisingly, delighted — they both want to know if the other had a hand in it, but of course neither of them did. How perfect! After Hans goes questing to rescue Elsa and has a dramatic staged final battle, nobody will have any qualms about them getting married. That's obviously what happens, when princes rescue princesses.

Hans chases off after Elsa. So does Anna.

kenneth libbrecht over at snowcrystals.com

Meanwhile, Krista is teaching Elsa how not to be a princess — how to blend into a crowd. Elsa is delighted. She's always craved anonymity, and now here it is being forced upon her by someone who rolls her eyes a lot but also actually listens to what Elsa is saying. Krista knows exactly who she is and where she wants to be, and Elsa finds that really admirable and also attractive as hell.

Krista, on her part, is reluctantly charmed. Elsa clearly puts a lot of thought and effort into things, and she's got a sly sense of humor that you wouldn't necessarily expect from someone who seems as anxious as she often does. She just wants Elsa to speak up more; she shouldn't want it, because it could get them in trouble, but she likes what Elsa has to say, and god knows Elsa seems relieved to actually be saying it.

So Krista gives Elsa a series of ridiculous disguises, and they have fun, but then they have to hit the road before Hans catches up with them. Krista is good at knowing when they're being followed — it's a smuggling thing — and eventually they head into the mountains, in the hopes that they can either completely shake him off, or maybe find the Snow Queen and figure this curse business out. Elsa thinks this, mostly; Krista is kind of skeptical about this whole Snow Queen business.

AND THAT TAKES UP THE REST OF THE MOVIE UNTIL THE DRAMATIC CLIMAX. What happens in the dramatic climax, you may ask??? GOOD QUESTION, FRIEND. LET ME ASK YOU A SERIES OF QUESTIONS IN RETURN.

kenneth libbrecht over at snowcrystals.com

1. WHO is that icy white figure who has kidnapped Anna?

The Snow Queen, duh! She hasn't really kidnapped Anna, she just made it seem like that so that Elsa would look at Krista with anguish and then go dashing into the Snow Queen's trap, despite the fact that Krista totally knew it was a trap, god, Elsa, for someone who is so smart and funny and great you make some really badly-thought-out decisions.

Then Hans shows up, obviously.

2. WHY does it seem like Hans defeats the Snow Queen so easily?

Because he does, duh. Also, because the Snow Queen isn't actually real. Also duh.

3. WHERE is Anna?

She comes skidding in around the end of that fight, tries to scootch over to warn Elsa about the evil-doing-ness, and promptly gets shushed and kept away. The grown-ups are busy, sweetie. You can say hi to your sister after she's been uncursed and gotten engaged.

4. HOW will Elsa realise that Evil Parents are Evil?

Well, it begins when Hans defeats the Snow Queen and moves towards Elsa to kiss her, and Elsa backs away. Everybody sighs and is just like, "Elsa, really?" at which point Elsa gets to express a lot of the feelings she has been trying to tell people for the whole damn movie.

Evil Parents, getting increasingly annoyed, tell Hans to just kiss Elsa already and get it over with. She'll understand once he kisses her. Everything will be perfect.

Elsa resists using pretty much everything she has at her disposal, from ice and snow to surprisingly powerful kicks, but Evil Parents have a wide range of magic on their side, and eventually the earth shifts under Elsa and disorients her just enough for Hans to swoop in and kiss her.

Elsa tries to use her powers, and... can't. "But —" she says quietly, like her entire life has gotten taken away from her without her say-so, "I don't even like princes."

Hans is smug because HA he's totally her true love, but Anna finally manages to wriggle out and shout that no, it was Evil Parents, she overheard them. Anna and Elsa's parents frown in confusion, because they don't believe that Anna would lie to them, but you can't directly alter a stranger's magic with your own. Everyone knows that.

5. WHAT did Evil Parents do?

Obviously they cast the curse in the first place. What better way to ensure that you'll have an attractive, conveniently cursed princess hanging around then to curse her yourself?

6. WHEN does all this get resolved?

Right now. Krista, despite her love of standing on the sidelines, has rushed in to make sure that Elsa is okay and try to keep her from falling into despair. Does she spit insults at Evil Parents? Maybe. Does Elsa shoot out a spear of ice, trying to keep Evil Parents from retaliating for the insults? Definitely.

But how does Elsa still have ice magic??? Evil Parents need to know. Hans kissed her! That was it! That was how the curse was designed to break! This entire 'true love' deal was a ruse!

But of course, they all forgot to take the things that Elsa wants into account. Elsa wanted to keep those powers. She really did.

7. WHAT now?

Final boss battle, clearly. Elsa wins eventually. Her parents realise that they've been shitty, in a way that doesn't seem totally insincere or too neatly-written-by-the-author. Elsa lets slip that she might actually be sort of really into Krista, in a romantic way. Like, really romantic.

SHE AND KRISTA KISS. EVERYTHING IS GREAT. Eventually they probably get married, after they've known each other for longer. Who knows, I don't own them.

kenneth libbrecht over at snowcrystals.com